Chapter 20

It can't be hygienic, living in a place without rooms. Even people who live in bedsits usually have access to a proper bathroom, with doors and walls and a window. This place, the place where the party was being held, didn't even have that. It was like a railway station toilet, except there wasn't even a separate gents'. There was just a little wall separating the bath and toilet from the rest of it, so even though I needed to go, I couldn't; anyone might have walked around the wall and seen what I was doing. And I don't need to spell out how unhealthy it all was. Mother used to say that a bad smell is just a germ gas; well, whoever owned this flat must have had germs everywhere. Not that anyone could use the toilet anyway. When I went to find it, someone was kneeling on the floor and sniffing the lid. I have no idea why anyone would want to smell the lid of a toilet (while someone else watched! Can you imagine!). But I suppose people are perverted in all sorts of different ways. It was sort of what I expected when I walked into that party and heard the noise and saw what kind of people they were; if someone had asked me what I thought people like that would do in a toilet, I might have said that they'd sniff the lid.

When I came back, Jess was standing there in tears, and the rest of the party had cleared a little space around us. Some boy had told her that Chas had been and gone, and he'd gone with somebody he met at the party, some girl. Jess wanted us all to go round to this girl's house, and JJ was trying to persuade her that it wasn't a good idea.

'It's OK,' Jess said. 'I know her. There's probably been some sort of misunderstanding. She probably just didn't know about me and Chas.'

'What if she did know?' said JJ.

'Well,' said Jess. 'In that case I couldn't let it go, could I?'

'What does that mean?'

'I wouldn't kill her. I'm not that mad. But I would have to hurt her. Maybe cut her a little.'

When Frank broke off our engagement I didn't think I'd ever get over it. I felt almost as sorry for him as I did for myself, because I didn't make it easy for him. We were in the Ambler Arms, except it's not called that any more, over in the corner by the fruit machine, and the landlord came over to our table and asked Frank to take me home, because nobody wanted to put any money in the machine while I was there howling and bawling my eyes out, and they used to make a fair bit of money from the fruit machine on quiet nights.

I nearly did away with myself then - I certainly considered it. But I thought I could ride it out, I thought things might get better. Imagine the trouble I could have saved if I had done! I would have killed the both of us, me and Matty, but of course I didn't know that then.

I didn't take any notice of the silly things Jess said about cutting people. I came up with a lot of utter nonsense when Frank and I broke up; I told people that Frank had been forced to move away, that he was sick in the head, that he was a drunk and he'd hit me. None of it was true. Frank was a sweet man whose crime was that he didn't love me quite enough, and because this wasn't much of a crime I had to make up some bigger ones.

'Were you engaged?' I asked Jess, and then wished I hadn't.

'Engaged?' Jess said. 'Engaged? What is this? Pride and f—ing Prejudice? "Oooh, Mr Arsey Darcy. May I plight my truth?" "Oh yes, Miss Snooty Knobhead, I'd be charmed I'm sure." ' She said this last part in a silly voice, but you could probably have guessed that.

'People do still get engaged,' Martin said. 'It's not a stupid question.'

'Which people get engaged?'

'I did,' I said. But I said it too quietly, because I was scared of her, and so she made me say it again.

'You did? Really? OK, but what living people get engaged? I'm not interested in people out of the Ark. I'm not interested in people with, with like shoes and raincoats and whatever.' I wanted to ask what she thought we should wear instead of shoes, but I was learning my lesson.

'Anyway, who the f— did you get engaged to?'

I didn't want any of this. It didn't seem fair that this is what happened when you tried to help.

'Did you shag him? I'll bet you did. How did he like it? Doggy style? So he didn't have to look at you?'

And then Martin grabbed her and dragged her into the street.